Posts Tagged ‘the sports donkey’

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120 losses for the nats? or +.500 for the pirates?

Thursday, April 9th, 2009

welcome back donkey friends,

this particular donkey has been busy with other duties than just grazing the fields, munching on hay making barnyard animal noises. i have spent a good majority of this time preparing tax information for my CPA so he can ensure i get a fatty refund. perhaps it is because i know the right angles, or perhaps it is because uncle sam realizes that he shouldn’t tax a f*ckin donkey - but regardless i am getting back my entire tax obligation from last year in the form of a refund. although it’s only a matter of time before the current administration attempts to frivilously tax anything with 4 legs and unfairly reallocates collected funds to support emotional causes built upon unconstitutional principles; so donkeys, tables, chihuahuas, etc. beware! i’ve also learned that direct deposit is always the best, because it can’t burn a hole in your pocket if there’s no check or cash in the wallet. in any event, i apologize to my ever so loyal fan base that deserves sarcastic sports content on a weekly basis.

in case you didn’t notice, spring is upon us. in carolina, the rebirth, flowers blooming, warmth in the air, and creatures chirping are taking full flight - so is falling asleep on the couch like a jack-ass with half a beer in hand absorbing as much free baseball as possible before the MLB Extra Innings free trial expires. giddyup! i’m not sure of this year’s time line, but if history serves us correctly we have about 4 more days of this ahead (that is unless you are a half decent american and choose to pay for the MLB package when this expires so you can watch future baseball at your leisure). nope, not this guy - the “college mindset” can never truly escape even the most respectable of creatures. the college mindset is one that thrives on partaking in anything free, at all effort possible. it is scavenger based, almost vulcher like at times, paralleling neanderthal type activity. it’s been a while since i signed my credit away to get that ugly citi financial t-shirt. i’ve come a long way since freshman year to quickly assess and pounce on the right “free” opportunities. and although i no longer believe i’d take home 10 bagels from work on ‘bagel friday’ to be used for the next week’s sandwich bread, i still have enough tricks up my sleeve due to my navy seal like college mindset.

any baseball enthusiast appreciates the beginning of april as the start of a new championship run. arguably the best postseason in sports, March Madness, simultaneously wraps up as the baseball season’s first pitches are thrown. every one can wipe away last year’s disappointment (everyone hurts when philly wins), and amp it up for the fresh breath. somehow, even my buddy who roots for the pirates has hope that “this is the year” (to get over .500), and i believe my beloved nationals will easily lose 120 games during this campaign. both contain a very high percentage of happening. i do give my buddy credit, he’s as passionate about the pirates as he is the steelers. ask any steelers fans for their pirates memorabilia and IF they know who the pirates are, at best their memorabilia would contain traces of clemente and stargell. not the donkey friend, he bleeds black and yellow all year round. god has a special place in heaven for people who choose to be a part of something miserable for 162 days a year.

this column got me thinking - i definitely want to know what the readers think, so please leave a comment on this blog article in response to the below question:

what is more likely to happen, the pittsuburgh pirates will finish the regular season above the .500 mark, OR the washington nationals will lose at least 120 regular season games?

leave your prediction in a comment, and collectively we’ll root for and against these teams. although it’s not rocket science to conclude that the nationals have a 91% likelihood of losing every time they sniff a field, it gives a partial silver lining to us nats fans when they put another tally in the loss column. i’m not a gambling man, but i would compare it to betting against your team in vegas. if you win on the field, you probably lose in vegas, and vice versa. so either way there is at least partial satisfaction.

and although it is too early in at 3 games in to determine the fates of each squad, there are a few things that we can’t ignore. the nationals stink. 1st inning through 9th inning, they just collectively stink. sure, they have some bats and prospects as well as some youth at the heart of the team which is always something to build upon. and i’m sure their pitchers may be serviceable at some point - but when your top “gun” probably wouldn’t make any other mlb squad then certainly we’ve got a disaster of a season ahead. no one likes their team to be a loser, but when your team is miserable you come to love it. i won’t be able to take my eyes off of the nationals all year in anticipation of going into the record books.

the pirates really have been on the verge of (extinction felt like a natural word to put there) turning the corner the past few years. with a team known as the ’steelers’ in town, and even a good hockey team stealing some attention it doesn’t leave much room for a team that hasn’t sniffed a +.500 season since the early ’90s. so until there is a real salary cap in baseball, and/or their ownership decides to build a team as good as that ballpark then the pirates can only do so much. in fact, i’d be willing to say that they’ve overachieved in certain realms based on their circumstances. they’ve had great under the radar team pitching campaigns within the past couple of years, but it has been overshadowed with relatively ineffective offense. if you don’t score, you don’t win. “if yer not first, yer last!” if you don’t win, your pitching doesn’t get the appropriate attention it deserves. i would love to see a true salary cap, as teams like the pirates would thrive because they have been forced to make the most of what they have. but until then, losing teams are always fair game for mockery by us sports donkey folk.

toodles, and happy jesus weekend.

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Posted in The Donkey Den | 9 Comments »

cigar smoking in the house with out the wifey ever discovering!

Sunday, March 15th, 2009

this one sounds difficult for all of you out there who’d like to puff an occasional stogie, but know your wife would never allow it indoors. and for most of us guys, we don’t want that lingering cigar smoke infiltrating our homes either. but sometimes that urge just seems like it needs to be followed. perhaps our team won a big game and we want that victory lap by way of a finely aged cigar. but it really is pretty simple how to hide it from the wifey. there’s one fail proof way to get this done. wait for it….here it comes…..don’t have a wife.

to all you married men out there looking to puff on a sweet stogie in the confines of your own home, you’re poop out of luck. don’t ever try it. the donkey on the other hand can currently test these things and will be the first to let you know if there is a possible way to escape this alcatraz undetected when the time comes.

as a matter of fact, the sports donkey attempted to smoke a tasty kahlua stick the other day inside the walls of his own home. donkey had previously thrown down a solid gurkha while enjoying the pre-spring warmth outside with a tasty tecate and lime, but wanted to take the party inside. we all have our areas of complete bliss, places that no one can bother us - where we can get lost in thoughts and mentally teleport to different happy regions. my happy place that allows my body and soul to relax is in the confines of a nice and toasty bath - a few candles, and some solid ipod tunes in the background while i throw down a luscious micro brewed beer is my perfect soul delight. a cigar would just be the perfect cherry on top of this soul sundae. although i’ve always wanted to puff a stogie inside my house, i never truly gave the thought a legitimate set of wings - primarily because i never wanted to open pandora’s box. there’s never telling what that pandora broad will have in store for you once you let her out of that cedar thing. so the best plan of attack is probably to toss the bitch overboard and feed her to the piranhas. that way, you’d never have to worry about developing a future bad habit. sure, i will always be left wondering “what if”, but at the same time you can’t miss something you never had.

here is the line of thinking i was faced with the other day: if i were to pull off the magical cigar smoke with utmost success (and by that i mean hardly any smoke stinch lingering), then i will undoubtedly continue the trend. and at the same time, if i fail, then my house will stink for days and remind me of my recent failures. and in order to rectify my mistake, i will work ever so diligently to tweak the formula until i do succeed. so regardless of which path to success i take, by that point pandora will be cutting, lighting, and feeding me stogies till the end of time. i’d just rather not go there because that boarded up bitch will always have the upper hand.

but a strange thing happens when you start drinking beer - you lose inhibitions and break loose of certain restrictions. i don’t recommend rattling off a streak of brews like they are breaths of oxygen, nor do i recommend inebriating yourself to the point of terrible drunken decision making becoming the norm (as you are forced to give up about 98% of your excuse database upon college graduation). i just meant that for me personally, all it takes is 2-3 beers in the belly and a touch of a buzz to start thinking of creative ways to tackle life’s age old problems. nothing wrong with thinking outside of pandora’s box, but acting inside the box is where you need to be ever so delicate.

here’s how my first attempt went the other day with that kahlua cigar. i started by trying to hot box the bathroom with the thought of shoving towels underneath the opening of the door. next, opening the bathroom window would hopefully create a natural funnel for smoke to exit. then i figured i could kick back, light up, and enjoy - pretty simple. i prefer to keep a simple plan, because once the details pile up the likelihood of screwing up increases. but at the same time, you need to have enough correct steps in the plan otherwise you end up building only half of a bridge and are doomed for failure from the start. and if you also end up screwing up the implementation of your already crappy schemata, you actually end up with a quarter bridge and destroy a small village in the process.

i.e. don’t drop the cigar in the tub or accidentally knock the lighter into the water. that didn’t work too well for me. the other thing that didn’t work too well for me was forgetting to shove the towels under the door (a lot of smoke escaped and danced around my bedroom). oh, and a force of unkind nature was the untimely wind outside that would shove any jail breaking smoke back into the bathroom. due to this entire comedy of errors i ruined one cigar, temporarily put one lighter out of commission, and successfully created a smoke funnel leading into the bed room instead of outside. nice work doofus. and what smoke that didn’t decide to abandon ship by sliding into the bedroom chose to bury itself in the bathroom walls. 4 days later 2 rooms combining for about 300 square feet still smell like crap.

of course i’ll let you know how the next experiment turns out. i am letting pandora figure out that subsequent plan of attack, and she has also volunteered to double as my humidor in the meantime. nice! she’s not so bad after all.

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Posted in The Donkey Den | 3 Comments »

college fooball bowling, game 27 - VT v. Cincinnati

Saturday, January 3rd, 2009

Game 27 - VT v. Cincinnati
this special game may show up as game number 27 in this year’s bowl lineup, but it’s number 1 in my heart. and it’s not because FOX immediately shows us how inept they are when trying to merely cover a non NFL broadcast, but because VT is my adopted FBS squadron. the sports donkey twin, as well as many of the sports donkey friends attended ole Virginia Polytechnic & State University in blacksburg, right down the road from my college home in harrisonburg, va. regardless of what you think of a guy named michael vick and his off field struggles, there’s no denying how sick it was to watch him defy all odds of physics at the qb position.

big winner hokie dinner, vt fans will always cherish this meal

big winner hokie dinner, vt fans will always cherish this meal

acquiring free tickets to almost all home games, and watching him lead an unsuspecting team to the national championship game was quite a feast for this donkey back in the day and immediately brought me into the brotherhood of hokie nation. i didn’t have to drink blood or jump from chairs blindfolded. but it would be cool for people to drive around in white vans snagging, bagging, and beating the hell out of potential new fans to test their dedication. i’d pass with flying colors. gobble gobble.

i think we’d all agree that tim tebow is a great player and person, and most importantly has helped lead his florida team to a possible 2nd BCS title in 3 years. why am i bringing this up now may you ask? because apparently FOX thought it was a great idea to do the same - by accidentally placing his picture in lieu of a cincinnati player’s photo during the scrolling introduction of the bear cat offense at the onset of this game. and like FOX, i too want to show my fans that i can be random and completely retarded as well. maybe we shouldn’t be so hard on FOX and their uselessness for presenting the college game.

let’s back up - let’s think this one through for a second. perhaps tebow is that good. as a former heisman winner, he’s known for stellar play making and has a slight knack for pulling off the occasional trickery. and maybe he is pissed about not winning a consecutive heisman that he wanted to plug himself into an unsuspecting location - to begin campaigning a bit early for next year’s trophy by swaying a few swing votes. who knows. it’s either sneaky and great work by tebow, or sloppy and typical work by FOX.

i’ve figured it out, FOX sucks.

what a blacksburg orange looks like

what a blacksburg orange looks like

if i ever had to handpick a college team to root for, it couldn’t have been a greater university than VT so i’m blessed that this fell into my lap. and here’s why: if you put together a list of “Top 10 college football things you need to do before you kill yourself someday from being too involved in sports” is to catch a Thursday night game in blacksburg. there’s no secret as to why 60,000 strong sound like 150,000 gobbling turkeys pissed off that thanksgiving is approaching - and there’s no secret why no one wants to play there. the hokies nation is proud as all hell, and they make sure everyone knows it. they make sure everyone knows that you can’t compete with their heart and character. i didn’t have to acquire a piece of paper from VT and hang it on the wall to understand this.

now gobbling up that first BCS game in quite an interesting season is one of the more gratifying wins a sports fan could endure.

this post game follow up is almost too tough for words - as a big time hokie fan, typing about the convincing 20-7 win over Big East champ Cincinnati should seem easy. i suppose being engulfed with so much positive emotion is one of those few good times you can be at a loss for words and truly welcome it. most times i’m at a loss of words is due to frustration, pain, agony, or complete anger - and usually if i open my mouth to talk, flames from hell have actually been known to set my house on fire. not this time, i’m completely at peace and ecstatic.

forcing 4 turnovers, keeping steady and uncomfortable pressure on cincy’s qb pike, and wreaking overall havoc with disguising coverage schemes aren’t something us hokie fans should be surprised about. i’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that the hokie nation has always hung its hat on bud foster’s lunch pail power defense. and although the offense hasn’t put up power numbers offensively this year in the scoring column, they have shown signs of moving the ball more than what a 112th ranked offense should be capable of providing. moving the ball with some regularity hasn’t been the issue, but the important part (some of us call them ‘points’) that has eluded the hokies is scoring. inside the 20 they seemed to bottle up as a team and coaching staff which caused the the same scoring frustrations week to week. they were masters of winning the close game, and leaning on the defense to win games. they are probably the only team in history that could win by a field goal but it be a barnyard butt whooping. in last night’s game the offense did what it needed to, playing pretty clean football - which allowed the defense to steal the usual show.

hey kid, this ain't your 2nd grade frail scooby doo lunch pail

hey kid, this ain't your frail grade school scooby-doo lunch pail. this is how a man does work at the lunch table.

i’m not going to pound deep into the true meaning of this game or complete specifics, or why it means so much in so many different areas, as there are so many good things about this gigantor win in this year’s hokie season.

i will have a special guest writing a guest column, a reflection on the big win. it may be beamer, perhaps a bud foster, maybe even michael vick from the state pen or even his lil bro marcus, if anyone knows where the hell he is - and although there are 4 losses on the hokie record this season, many complainers about the current system, pouring tears about allowing teams outside of the top 10 into the BCS and how it was so unfair blah blah blah - whooooooooo cares! the system rewards power conference teams, from playing a tough division year in and year out. and even though the ACC didn’t really have that “elite” team to win the big one, 10 bowl teams is a great sign of parity and great weekly competition.

there are so many teams that underachieve, and we’ve all been there pulling for one of those teams. but rarely are there many teams that overachieve and provide an ultimate gift by season’s end. in this case, a big bowl of oranges in a well earned orange bowl trophy. that thing can hold a ton of orange julius servings (in case anyone was curious).

let’s quickly tally up why this win is so sweet with out breaking down the nitty gritty. with key injuries prior to the season, tailback brandon ore getting the boot, losing most of the defensive starters to the draft and graduation, pulling tyrod taylor out of his red shirt status after losing the opening game while relying on a batch of underclassmen starters with little to no college experience through out the season, this is a sweet and delicious character win - when florida or oklahoma hoists a BCS championship trophy, of course that’ll be the sweetest drink. but when you get an entire team to keep at it, while being thrown into the fire there is a greater sense of being proud. this greatness transcends the field, builds boys into men, multiplies the confidence, and shows us what extra hard work can do - and i personally have never been more proud to be a hokie fan than i am now. great job guys.

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Posted in Bowl Mania | 2 Comments »

college football bowling, game 9 - WVU v. UNC

Tuesday, December 30th, 2008

Game 9 - WVU v. UNC
welcome to the queen city folks, the current home of the one and only sports donkey. although the donkey has migrated southwest for a houston holiday, his spirit is still in bank of america stadium for this highly anticipated match up. pat white is making his bid to win an unprecedented 4th bowl game start, and butch davis would like to leave a positive stamp on what hopes to be the beginning of good football in chapel hill.

the meineke car care bowl did it right - matching up a local UNC team to force the tarheels to travel well amidst the college basketball beat down season they are unfurling, and to put WVU on the slate who tends to travel well regardless. those guys would travel to antarctica if a mountaineer was competing in igloo carving.

this game is a toss up, both teams have big time skill guys and have under achieved at different parts of the season. a win here would be well earned. not to mention, teddy bear bill stewart needs to win any bowl game this year after last years improbably fiesta thrashing of oklahoma using rich rodriguez’s guys. teddy bears are fun to hug when times are good, but it’s equally fun to rip off their cotton stuffed limbs when times are tough. ask bill stewart how much cotton he’s got left in there after this up and down WVU season.

tough to throw a mountaineer fiesta after this year's bruising

fire me or keep me, just quit ripping off my ears

there is no in game blog for this one, just a quick recap of this thrilling match up. both teams moved the ball at will, and both defenses forced the occasional timely turnover. WVU looked like they’d pull away in the first half, but big play hakeem nicks and his two sweet catches (two of the best catches you’ll ever see) helped pepper the score board with points, as well as convert a crucial third down in the second half. and after UNC turned the tides in the fourth quarter, WVU forced a crucial turn over and eventually out muscled the tarheels when the final whistle sounded. UNC had its chances, and seemed to resort to the overly conservative fourth quarter approach. WVU never removed their foot from the pedal, and overcame their own blunders to win the best bowl game thus far, 31-30.

two main observations the sports donkey noticed in this game. the first, hakeem nicks is ridiculous. it’s one thing to put up statistics in college, and run a sexy 40 yard dash time, as way too many people turn into number whores. but the best players are simply that - they are the BEST at what counts. a guy like nicks will catch anything thrown near him, and when he’s bored he’ll even try to go through his legs and around his back just to let us know what he’s bringing to the table. most players can create separation in college, so having venus fly trap hands is critical and overlooked way too often when bringing guys to the NFL game. and what i like, which has become more prominent over the years is how powerful the skilled position guys have become. they carry a toughness that translates well to the pro game. no longer do receivers just try to run away from defenders, or tap dance around would be tacklers, but some offensive guys look for contact. hakeem nicks and beanie wells are my two favorites to watch. in some instances, i think they get confused and try to tackle the defender even though they are the ones running with the ball. powerful football. it was enticing to watch nicks throw defenders around, almost getting annoyed that guys even had the nerve to tackle him. how dare they.

the second observation to this game is that although the sports donkey is not a WVU fan, it’s always good to see guys like pat white who adore their schools go out on top. everyone knows that guy is a flat out athlete, but other than a bad interception, he threw the hell out of that football all day - and into great coverage on many occasions as well.

even though the ACC couldn’t squeak out this win, FSU should easily kick wisconsin back to their frozen tundra in the next game of today’s triple header. so that’ll bring some satisfaction back to the ACC.

congrats bill stewart, you snagged a win. no, even when scrambling the letters into a new word puzzle ‘meineke car care bowl’ will never spell ‘fiesta bowl repeat’ or ‘orange bowl win’, but stewart should feel good about the finish to a trying season. but don’t get too cozy stewart, those soft plush arms of yours can be sewn back onto your trampled teddy bear body only so many times. and for some reason, people like throwing old teddies into the gutter when the time comes. tick tock, tick tock.

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Posted in Bowl Mania | 2 Comments »

college football bowling, game 8 - FAU v. CMU

Tuesday, December 30th, 2008

Game 8 - FAU v. CMU
if you are like most of the thousands of readers in this great nation reading another sports donkey post, then you too probably have a hard time recognizing the acronyms that make up the two great universities playing in this ballgame. in this year’s mighty motor city bowl, the fierce owls represent Florida Atlantic University, and the Central Michigan Chippewas round out the rear of this power match up. or as the sports donkey brother would say, “which directional michigan team is playing in this game?” - just plug in a cardinal direction such as western, central, eastern, southeasternnorthern, and none of us outside the good ole state of michigan would know the difference.

enough is enough already for the poor city of detroit. i mean, what do these poor people have to root for? although sport isn’t everything, the power of success in sports can not be underestimated. it brings joy to people’s lives first and foremost. such as the saints - although the saints didn’t retroactively erase hurricane katrina from existence, their success following that hurricane b*tch easily provided an outlet of hope for that great city. the city needed the saints, the nation needed the saints, and new orleans needed to see the joy and heart from its players to help guide the rebirth.

in a nutshell, great teams help the economy as consumer spending increases, city government collects more revenues from excise taxes on hotels and restaurants, advertising dollars increase with competition, extra media exposure boosts attention to a city’s tourism sector, and so on and so on. it is a positive domino effect of income and growth. money isn’t everything - but when money can boost an economy while naturally creating jobs and force feed growth on top of stability, then money does hold the key to success. does money walk? i don’t know, i’ve never seen it loitering door to door in my neighborhood. but that green stuff sure does talk with a big voice and i’ve never known anybody not willing to listen.

where's this gooey blob when you need a miracle?

where's this gooey blob when you need a miracle?

the detroit economy is laughable, the american auto industry is going down the toilet (natural selection phases out lackluster products, the government shouldn’t bail out sectors below mediocrity merely to keep them afloat), the weather is wretched in the winter, and banged up houses literally sell for under $10k on ebay. the LEAST that city could do is furnish at least one ray of hope in a respectable sports team (the red wings are great, but they aren’t relevant in the national sports scene, sorry guys, it’s NHL hockey and i’m typing this in texas) to pump hope into a gloomy marketplace. they need to call someone who can make that happen. the ghostbusters would have been the trendy pick because they did decent work in new york years back. but instead, the detroit lions were the first ones phoned. a stellar 4-0 start to the preseason led to the misery of 16 consecutive regular season losses. add them up folks, no nfc north title for the lions this year, and the zippy wins is a few shy of being in wild card contention. so who did we call next? the michigan state basketball team had the privelege to host the unc juggernaut at ford field. what happened in their effort to save the city? a 35 point thrashing by rameses and his tarheels as they booted the sparty out of town. and with the 3rd time being a charm, who got the final call? a staple in the motor city bowl, the cardinal direction central michigan chippewas and the 18th FBS team on the florida food chain in FAU. oh brother. this city is screwed.

as a country, we need to step in somehow. perhaps we can make a last second audible and sling the rose bowl over to detroit. maybe we can move the superbowl back into town this year. perhaps we can match up the michigan wolverines v. the detriot lions to give us a comedy of errors and settle once and for all the state of michigan’s worst team, ever. something, we need to make something happen as a public sector. that poor city has turned into pergatory on earth and god bless anyone for hanging in there. no one deserves this treatment.

anywho, back to this granddaddy of detroit power game. i caught a few plays of this one while periodically throwing my eyes on the tv, slamming houston beers in a houston bar with the sports donkey twin brother and company. judging by the final score at least the game remained close, a bit of defense showed up, and it went down to the wire. so all in all the game itself couldn’t have been too bad and certainly provided excitement for the fan bases. but detroit made a terrible mistake. the somewhat local team, CMU was making it’s third straight appearance in this game and is somewhat of the host team. if this was detroit’s last effort to spawn some hope into the city, they never should have invited the Florida Atlantic fighting howard schnellenbergers to the battle. it doesn’t matter if it is bernie kosar or rusty smith throwing footballs, that schnellenberger guy doesn’t lose bowl games. and i’m sure if they commemorate an owl burger and name it after him, you know that sandwich wouldn’t lose either.

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Posted in Bowl Mania | 2 Comments »

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