this one sounds difficult for all of you out there who’d like to puff an occasional stogie, but know your wife would never allow it indoors. and for most of us guys, we don’t want that lingering cigar smoke infiltrating our homes either. but sometimes that urge just seems like it needs to be followed. perhaps our team won a big game and we want that victory lap by way of a finely aged cigar. but it really is pretty simple how to hide it from the wifey. there’s one fail proof way to get this done. wait for it….here it comes…..don’t have a wife.
to all you married men out there looking to puff on a sweet stogie in the confines of your own home, you’re poop out of luck. don’t ever try it. the donkey on the other hand can currently test these things and will be the first to let you know if there is a possible way to escape this alcatraz undetected when the time comes.
as a matter of fact, the sports donkey attempted to smoke a tasty kahlua stick the other day inside the walls of his own home. donkey had previously thrown down a solid gurkha while enjoying the pre-spring warmth outside with a tasty tecate and lime, but wanted to take the party inside. we all have our areas of complete bliss, places that no one can bother us - where we can get lost in thoughts and mentally teleport to different happy regions. my happy place that allows my body and soul to relax is in the confines of a nice and toasty bath - a few candles, and some solid ipod tunes in the background while i throw down a luscious micro brewed beer is my perfect soul delight. a cigar would just be the perfect cherry on top of this soul sundae. although i’ve always wanted to puff a stogie inside my house, i never truly gave the thought a legitimate set of wings - primarily because i never wanted to open pandora’s box. there’s never telling what that pandora broad will have in store for you once you let her out of that cedar thing. so the best plan of attack is probably to toss the bitch overboard and feed her to the piranhas. that way, you’d never have to worry about developing a future bad habit. sure, i will always be left wondering “what if”, but at the same time you can’t miss something you never had.
here is the line of thinking i was faced with the other day: if i were to pull off the magical cigar smoke with utmost success (and by that i mean hardly any smoke stinch lingering), then i will undoubtedly continue the trend. and at the same time, if i fail, then my house will stink for days and remind me of my recent failures. and in order to rectify my mistake, i will work ever so diligently to tweak the formula until i do succeed. so regardless of which path to success i take, by that point pandora will be cutting, lighting, and feeding me stogies till the end of time. i’d just rather not go there because that boarded up bitch will always have the upper hand.
but a strange thing happens when you start drinking beer - you lose inhibitions and break loose of certain restrictions. i don’t recommend rattling off a streak of brews like they are breaths of oxygen, nor do i recommend inebriating yourself to the point of terrible drunken decision making becoming the norm (as you are forced to give up about 98% of your excuse database upon college graduation). i just meant that for me personally, all it takes is 2-3 beers in the belly and a touch of a buzz to start thinking of creative ways to tackle life’s age old problems. nothing wrong with thinking outside of pandora’s box, but acting inside the box is where you need to be ever so delicate.
here’s how my first attempt went the other day with that kahlua cigar. i started by trying to hot box the bathroom with the thought of shoving towels underneath the opening of the door. next, opening the bathroom window would hopefully create a natural funnel for smoke to exit. then i figured i could kick back, light up, and enjoy - pretty simple. i prefer to keep a simple plan, because once the details pile up the likelihood of screwing up increases. but at the same time, you need to have enough correct steps in the plan otherwise you end up building only half of a bridge and are doomed for failure from the start. and if you also end up screwing up the implementation of your already crappy schemata, you actually end up with a quarter bridge and destroy a small village in the process.
i.e. don’t drop the cigar in the tub or accidentally knock the lighter into the water. that didn’t work too well for me. the other thing that didn’t work too well for me was forgetting to shove the towels under the door (a lot of smoke escaped and danced around my bedroom). oh, and a force of unkind nature was the untimely wind outside that would shove any jail breaking smoke back into the bathroom. due to this entire comedy of errors i ruined one cigar, temporarily put one lighter out of commission, and successfully created a smoke funnel leading into the bed room instead of outside. nice work doofus. and what smoke that didn’t decide to abandon ship by sliding into the bedroom chose to bury itself in the bathroom walls. 4 days later 2 rooms combining for about 300 square feet still smell like crap.
of course i’ll let you know how the next experiment turns out. i am letting pandora figure out that subsequent plan of attack, and she has also volunteered to double as my humidor in the meantime. nice! she’s not so bad after all.