hola fellow donkeys of sport,
since the super bowl committee wouldn’t give me press credentials, i wasn’t able to make the trip to tampa this past weekend. however, the weekend was excellent as this guy actually took part in three consecutive nights of social events. not since college have i thrown it down that hard. crazy how the body shuts down and gives up once the glory years are over. if someone knows how i could procure a few more glory years please let me know.
so although this donkey couldn’t enjoy a tampa weekend, he did enjoy it. listed below are a couple observational highlights in no particular order, donkey style.
1) John Cougar Mellencamp has a good thing going for him. yeah, he’s certainly put out some classics (which my friend jeff and his intoxicated cover band jammed out to during their past show on friday, complete with other hits and comedic intoxicated stage theatrics). but i’m talking about that guy’s name. i don’t know how he couldn’t decide which to use back in the day - using variations of john mellencamp, john cougar, john cougar mellencamp, cougar campjohnmellen. it should have been a complete no-brainer on what type of sequence to settle on.
he knows how to get after it
one other rule i would live my life by if given the opportunity, and a rule i try to pass on when given the chance is to advise others to NEVER EVER under any circumstance remove a cat name from your own name. in fact, celebrate it. if my middle name was puma you better believe i’d wear that with pride. in fact, i’d drop my first name and strictly go with puma bonchers (one letter was altered in the last name to provide a tad of anonymity to the donkey’s true identity). or better yet, i’d rock puma van bonchers. something about the way the dutch put “van” in front of any crappy last name can buff a piece of coal into an instant diamond. try it, put ‘van’ in front of some sloppy last name that’s been bothering you and now you’ve got something manageable.
not your grandpappy's pop - i wonder what happens when little timmy mistakenly drinks one of daddy's 'soda' canisters?
2) no matter how far you go, you can never outrun an Extenze commercial - even though the bar i was frequenting at the time was showing the same channels i watch at home, that point is irrelevant. i’m not sure what bothers me more - the fact that this company has such a high demand (since seemingly 90% of men across the world believe they have inadequate ‘parts’), or that when Extenze offers their one week trial that you receive like 15-20 pills? regardless of what you’re working with down below the equator, wouldn’t a warning bell go off inside your head that maybe inflating your part with 2-3 pills per day for the rest of your life be a bit much? maybe some unknown long term detrimental effect should keep you away? or just stay away because the whole idea is f*cking weird? and if that wasn’t a warning sign, when they offer two Extenze beverages that provide a liquid penile option that you’d THEN decide at that point to put the phone down from calling in the offer? 85 pills a week is one thing, but canisters? seriously? i can now walk around in public with penile growth in my hand?
this country really is screwed.
i at least put the phone down once i saw the canisters…i mean…i…was curious…..was not gonna order……umm..actually….for an experiment…. @%43j..nevermind…
cards fans- nothing spells 'ass dagger' like thousands of cactus pricklies
3) although rooting for the cardinals, i was just pleased we got to see another amazing super bowl finish in back to back seasons. however, if i was a cardinals fan and given the choice, in lieu of witnessing the tragic demise, i sure wouldn’t veto a chance to eat a 6-foot tall standing prickly cactus with out utensils instead. that outcome would certainly be better than stomaching such a heartbreaking super bowl loss in the final minute. no worries cardinal fans, you have 60 more years to think about this one too.
and as exhilarating and awesome as that 4th quarter was, it came crashing down once dan rooney opened up his old mouth. that family has done quite a few good things for the pittsburgh organization and the NFL in general, but some do-goodisms are actually retard-isms when you take a step back to look at things rationally. while holding the lombardi trophy, with the chance to deliver some great words of wisdom regarding this monumental 6th super bowl championship, of all people rooney chose to thank the president first - never thanking god either. i don’t remember seeing obama’s name in my king james bible growing up. and call me a non-believer, but i really don’t think that obama guy has the capability of rising from a tomb one day to save everyone from their daily sins on earth. it’s now comical to the donkey how many people act like our newest president is a savior of monumental proportion. any president has my support, but let’s be realistic here. the man is a president - not a religion, not a spirituality, not a cult, not a celebrity, not invincible, not perfect.
let me ask you a question here. i know i have an intelligent reader base (i know it’s just 3 readers but forget that for a second) - but WHAT THE F*CK does a president EVER have to do with a team winning a sports trophy?!???!!!!! if your answer was “nothing”, then you are completely correct! ding ding ding ding ding, you win the prize of not being a dumb-ass stupid on this one. we all need to support our president like all good americans should do, but let’s not choose to fall into a state of retard-ism about it.
4) Drinking beers out of a redskins super bowl XVII championship mug are mighty tasty - they go down quite quickly too. i suggest you snag your oldest mug, rich with tradition or a time your team bathed in success and happiness. because if you’re like me you won’t get the chance to enjoy a championship when you are old enough to understand it. and the more i filled that mug with sweet corona and added to the never ending lime pile at the bottom of my bottomless mug, the more i filled that cup of solace as well. my skins didn’t stand a chance in super bowl XLIII, but somehow as each corona trickled it’s way down my belly filled with wings and other tasty tidbits, things felt right.
this guy knew how to pour DC a tasty beverage
‘09 is going to be a good year for this donkey, and one of his teams will take a trophy. not sure which trophy, and not sure which sport, but something has to give. because this donkey knows that president obama…oops, i mean savior obama..will bless the food and body of his newly local dc redskins - so they will have the powers to bathe in the blood of their 4th super bowl championship next season.
neato.
