this particular donkey has been busy with other duties than just grazing the fields, munching on hay making barnyard animal noises. i have spent a good majority of this time preparing tax information for my CPA so he can ensure i get a fatty refund. perhaps it is because i know the right angles, or perhaps it is because uncle sam realizes that he shouldn’t tax a f*ckin donkey - but regardless i am getting back my entire tax obligation from last year in the form of a refund. although it’s only a matter of time before the current administration attempts to frivilously tax anything with 4 legs and unfairly reallocates collected funds to support emotional causes built upon unconstitutional principles; so donkeys, tables, chihuahuas, etc. beware! i’ve also learned that direct deposit is always the best, because it can’t burn a hole in your pocket if there’s no check or cash in the wallet. in any event, i apologize to my ever so loyal fan base that deserves sarcastic sports content on a weekly basis.

in case you didn’t notice, spring is upon us. in carolina, the rebirth, flowers blooming, warmth in the air, and creatures chirping are taking full flight - so is falling asleep on the couch like a jack-ass with half a beer in hand absorbing as much free baseball as possible before the MLB Extra Innings free trial expires. giddyup! i’m not sure of this year’s time line, but if history serves us correctly we have about 4 more days of this ahead (that is unless you are a half decent american and choose to pay for the MLB package when this expires so you can watch future baseball at your leisure). nope, not this guy - the “college mindset” can never truly escape even the most respectable of creatures. the college mindset is one that thrives on partaking in anything free, at all effort possible. it is scavenger based, almost vulcher like at times, paralleling neanderthal type activity. it’s been a while since i signed my credit away to get that ugly citi financial t-shirt. i’ve come a long way since freshman year to quickly assess and pounce on the right “free” opportunities. and although i no longer believe i’d take home 10 bagels from work on ‘bagel friday’ to be used for the next week’s sandwich bread, i still have enough tricks up my sleeve due to my navy seal like college mindset.

any baseball enthusiast appreciates the beginning of april as the start of a new championship run. arguably the best postseason in sports, March Madness, simultaneously wraps up as the baseball season’s first pitches are thrown. every one can wipe away last year’s disappointment (everyone hurts when philly wins), and amp it up for the fresh breath. somehow, even my buddy who roots for the pirates has hope that “this is the year” (to get over .500), and i believe my beloved nationals will easily lose 120 games during this campaign. both contain a very high percentage of happening. i do give my buddy credit, he’s as passionate about the pirates as he is the steelers. ask any steelers fans for their pirates memorabilia and IF they know who the pirates are, at best their memorabilia would contain traces of clemente and stargell. not the donkey friend, he bleeds black and yellow all year round. god has a special place in heaven for people who choose to be a part of something miserable for 162 days a year.

this column got me thinking - i definitely want to know what the readers think, so please leave a comment on this blog article in response to the below question:

what is more likely to happen, the pittsuburgh pirates will finish the regular season above the .500 mark, OR the washington nationals will lose at least 120 regular season games?

leave your prediction in a comment, and collectively we’ll root for and against these teams. although it’s not rocket science to conclude that the nationals have a 91% likelihood of losing every time they sniff a field, it gives a partial silver lining to us nats fans when they put another tally in the loss column. i’m not a gambling man, but i would compare it to betting against your team in vegas. if you win on the field, you probably lose in vegas, and vice versa. so either way there is at least partial satisfaction.

and although it is too early in at 3 games in to determine the fates of each squad, there are a few things that we can’t ignore. the nationals stink. 1st inning through 9th inning, they just collectively stink. sure, they have some bats and prospects as well as some youth at the heart of the team which is always something to build upon. and i’m sure their pitchers may be serviceable at some point - but when your top “gun” probably wouldn’t make any other mlb squad then certainly we’ve got a disaster of a season ahead. no one likes their team to be a loser, but when your team is miserable you come to love it. i won’t be able to take my eyes off of the nationals all year in anticipation of going into the record books.

the pirates really have been on the verge of (extinction felt like a natural word to put there) turning the corner the past few years. with a team known as the ’steelers’ in town, and even a good hockey team stealing some attention it doesn’t leave much room for a team that hasn’t sniffed a +.500 season since the early ’90s. so until there is a real salary cap in baseball, and/or their ownership decides to build a team as good as that ballpark then the pirates can only do so much. in fact, i’d be willing to say that they’ve overachieved in certain realms based on their circumstances. they’ve had great under the radar team pitching campaigns within the past couple of years, but it has been overshadowed with relatively ineffective offense. if you don’t score, you don’t win. “if yer not first, yer last!” if you don’t win, your pitching doesn’t get the appropriate attention it deserves. i would love to see a true salary cap, as teams like the pirates would thrive because they have been forced to make the most of what they have. but until then, losing teams are always fair game for mockery by us sports donkey folk.

toodles, and happy jesus weekend.

to all you married men out there looking to puff on a sweet stogie in the confines of your own home, you’re poop out of luck. don’t ever try it. the donkey on the other hand can currently test these things and will be the first to let you know if there is a possible way to escape this alcatraz undetected when the time comes.

as a matter of fact, the sports donkey attempted to smoke a tasty kahlua stick the other day inside the walls of his own home. donkey had previously thrown down a solid gurkha while enjoying the pre-spring warmth outside with a tasty tecate and lime, but wanted to take the party inside. we all have our areas of complete bliss, places that no one can bother us - where we can get lost in thoughts and mentally teleport to different happy regions. my happy place that allows my body and soul to relax is in the confines of a nice and toasty bath - a few candles, and some solid ipod tunes in the background while i throw down a luscious micro brewed beer is my perfect soul delight. a cigar would just be the perfect cherry on top of this soul sundae. although i’ve always wanted to puff a stogie inside my house, i never truly gave the thought a legitimate set of wings - primarily because i never wanted to open pandora’s box. there’s never telling what that pandora broad will have in store for you once you let her out of that cedar thing. so the best plan of attack is probably to toss the bitch overboard and feed her to the piranhas. that way, you’d never have to worry about developing a future bad habit. sure, i will always be left wondering “what if”, but at the same time you can’t miss something you never had.

here is the line of thinking i was faced with the other day: if i were to pull off the magical cigar smoke with utmost success (and by that i mean hardly any smoke stinch lingering), then i will undoubtedly continue the trend. and at the same time, if i fail, then my house will stink for days and remind me of my recent failures. and in order to rectify my mistake, i will work ever so diligently to tweak the formula until i do succeed. so regardless of which path to success i take, by that point pandora will be cutting, lighting, and feeding me stogies till the end of time. i’d just rather not go there because that boarded up bitch will always have the upper hand.

but a strange thing happens when you start drinking beer - you lose inhibitions and break loose of certain restrictions. i don’t recommend rattling off a streak of brews like they are breaths of oxygen, nor do i recommend inebriating yourself to the point of terrible drunken decision making becoming the norm (as you are forced to give up about 98% of your excuse database upon college graduation). i just meant that for me personally, all it takes is 2-3 beers in the belly and a touch of a buzz to start thinking of creative ways to tackle life’s age old problems. nothing wrong with thinking outside of pandora’s box, but acting inside the box is where you need to be ever so delicate.

here’s how my first attempt went the other day with that kahlua cigar. i started by trying to hot box the bathroom with the thought of shoving towels underneath the opening of the door. next, opening the bathroom window would hopefully create a natural funnel for smoke to exit. then i figured i could kick back, light up, and enjoy - pretty simple. i prefer to keep a simple plan, because once the details pile up the likelihood of screwing up increases. but at the same time, you need to have enough correct steps in the plan otherwise you end up building only half of a bridge and are doomed for failure from the start. and if you also end up screwing up the implementation of your already crappy schemata, you actually end up with a quarter bridge and destroy a small village in the process.

i.e. don’t drop the cigar in the tub or accidentally knock the lighter into the water. that didn’t work too well for me. the other thing that didn’t work too well for me was forgetting to shove the towels under the door (a lot of smoke escaped and danced around my bedroom). oh, and a force of unkind nature was the untimely wind outside that would shove any jail breaking smoke back into the bathroom. due to this entire comedy of errors i ruined one cigar, temporarily put one lighter out of commission, and successfully created a smoke funnel leading into the bed room instead of outside. nice work doofus. and what smoke that didn’t decide to abandon ship by sliding into the bedroom chose to bury itself in the bathroom walls. 4 days later 2 rooms combining for about 300 square feet still smell like crap.

of course i’ll let you know how the next experiment turns out. i am letting pandora figure out that subsequent plan of attack, and she has also volunteered to double as my humidor in the meantime. nice! she’s not so bad after all.

i’m back on the attack, back on the grind, all over it. while we all mimic joe lunardi by assessing a handful of basketball teams, giving early assessments as to how we’ll fill out our ever so important march madness tourney brackets, certain things get lost in the shuffle. sure, there’s tons to talk in regards to top teams out there, the worn out battle of which conference is better, who’s on the bubble, in the bubble, breaking the bubble, who’s the bubble boy, who should win player of the year, etc. etc. but the media blasts us with that trivial and surface content daily. let’s get after something that is overlooked, but something so meaningful - our beloved sports announcers.

there are many reasons we should salute these guys, because there are so many great announcers in college basketball - probably the sport with the most amount of good announcers. in life i try to appreciate everything i come across, so handpicking and taking a look at some of the top guys is no different. often times for the human race to appreciate something, we must first have something taken away. so thank you FOX, for singlehandedly trying to ruin college football broadcasts, for you have truly allowed me to appreciate the guys out there that get it right. we live, breathe, and grind a college football season with our top tier announcer guys. then when it comes time to crown the homecoming kings and queens we get stuck with NFL faces for a few of the BCS games, who know nothing about college…nor do they care. but in a way, thanks FOX for sucking so bad to allow me to no longer take good things for granted.

take a second, and start digging through your mental rolodex of college basketball voices that you enjoy hearing. i’ve certainly watched my fill of ball, more so this year than any other year. and whether i bounce from an espn affiliate, to cbs, to local raycom sports for my ACC action i can’t really think of being let down. so give it a good thought before i dissect my personal Sportscaster Tournament Bracket - who are your favorite college basketball voices and why?

Let’s start with my first 4 guys in - these aren’t necessarily my top 4 in regards to favorite sportscasters, but they are dependable, and certainly look like ‘tournament teams’ this late in the season. so let’s punch their tickets now.

captain consistency

1.) good ole ron franklin - he covers college football as well, and he’s got that perfect blend of warmth, excitement and knowledge to make things click. enough energy to feel the excitement of the game, but not too much to take away. i can never wait to hang out with him on espn’s ‘big monday’, or ‘big ronday’ as i’ve officially renamed it. i never leave myself thinking ”what the hell is that guy saying?”. there is a direct correlation with how many times you ask yourself that and how crappy an announcer is. tim mccarver, do you have your pen and paper handy?

fRantastic fRinish

2.) a good front man is only as good as his support. behind every good man is a good woman, and every superhero needs a trusty sidekick (so i’m told). i think batman could have done with out robin - a pit bull or someone with balls wouldn’t have allowed someone to break batman’s back, but that’s a different story. ron franklin’s partner in crime is fran fraschilla - i was never good at basketball. sure, i was a good ‘role player’ and was great at boxing out. but because i couldn’t do anything else i chose to focus on one thing and get as good as i could at it (even though i still sucked at my one good thing). apparently, coaches like to recruit guys who can shoot, or are actually good at anything so i never quite got the chance to use my 4 years of eligibility. but “fantastic fran”, or “FRANtastic” as he is known around my donkey house, does a solid job of explaining basketball strategy while keeping things simple. because of his previous coaching experience and ability to relay that nicely to the viewer, guys like me can see the game from a much fuller and deeper perspective.

call me mclavin', i've got memorable phrases

3.) FRANtastic’s ‘interchangeable part’ would be steve lavin - lavin uses power terms such as his go to “interchangeable parts”, and slides them into a broadcast quite nicely while he too does a good job of bringing previous coaching analysis to the hardwood. he is also known for his “paralysis of analysis” catch phrase. brilliant. he probably didn’t coin that one, as yogi berra has connections to any phrases of value to the sports fanatic, but steve should get credit for this application in basketball. he adds that slightly creative touch to an objective analysis. he can be interchanged for fran on the fly. they both appear like they’d be a bit over 5 feet tall and have the nice greasy italian hair look. they are both dudes that sound soft but would probably ‘joe pesci gauge your neck out with a pen in the movie casino’ if you ever crossed them the wrong way. nothing wrong with a little graphic feistiness to keep us on our toes.

knockin' broadcasts down like bowling pins

4.) Brad “grab some popcorn and nestle in to a great play calling broadcast” nessler - he too has a solid college football connection. so for any guy who can handle the fire of a college broadcast with success will always get a big check mark in my book for any future broadcast. nessler could light my house on fire but i’d still tune in to hear him cover another Virginia Tech ACC football championship. even though he’s cheesy at times, it’s in a good way. (mccarver, are you still reading this blog post)? nestle me nessler joked the other day about stumbling back into his hotel room early in the morning after a full evening drinking bender. nessler knows how to throw down, which remains close to the heart of any true sports fan.

for my next tier guys, these are big names that have been playing solid ball as of late. they too are guaranteed slots in the field, and guys you really need to be on the lookout for as they rise up the rankings.

sing me a sweet lullabye jimbo

5.) jimmy dykes - this guy has diligently climbed the ranks in my book week by week. partially because he shares the same first name and has a basic look as a buddy of mine, yet dykes doesn’t need 10 beers in one hour to give me that same hilarious sh*t eating grin when the camera is in his face. jimbo pulls from his past coaching experience and uses that to supplement his analysis as well. recently during another tough VT bball loss, jimbo let us know that the footwork of the VT defense was not only sloppy, but he suggested how they should correct it. low and behold, VT applied the proper footwork in the second half and had more success containing Duke’s dribble drive. unfortunately, it took seth greenberg the entire first half to apply this, while dykes needed about 2 minutes of game coverage. dykes also began showing frustrations with sluggish defense, so i appreciate an announcer who doesn’t sugar coat, and isn’t afraid to call guys out using his coaching emotion. our country is turning into a pillow fighting nation, i respect this aggressiveness.

i am legend

6.) brent f*ckin musburger - say what you want about brent, but here’s why brent is dynamite and can NEVER be overlooked in tournament play: as americans, we love watching train wrecks, we just can’t get enough of them. so when someone inspires us so much that we actually want to have a first class seat in the train as it wrecks, then we know we’ve got a diamond in the rough. musburger has this power over me, as well as many other of you out there. he has so many copyrighted coined terms that you just can’t get enough of - to name a few, “dandy”, “folks”, “looking for daylight”, “the big fella”, and “he hits the 3-ball”. most announcers annoy the hell out of me with their repetitive nature, but with brent you get amped up like a little school boy anticipating that next tag line. for those of you who understand where i’m coming from, do a google search for the musburger drinking game - if you ever set out to play a version, make sure you prepare to drink a case of beer during one telecast. the burger will not disappoint. but if you have a wife, also be prepared in the morning to explain why there are pee stains on inanimate objects, why there are doritos finger prints smeared along the wall, and why you have grass stains on your forehead. musburger isn’t the conductor of a cute and comfy trolley, he’s going to plow your ass through the neighborhood.

bringin' a bazooka to a pillow fight

7.) bobby knight - anyone who slaps players during games and throws chairs further than most men can toss a javelin automatically deserves consideration. but it just so happens that knight is making the most of his color commentary. i like his calm demeanor, and subtle succinct game analysis. and when he decides to call out a player, his well placed and unexpected sarcastic one liners could win him an easy oscar. with musberger as his companion on major telecasts, you can’t pay for better sh*t than that. with 18 first half beers in my gullet after playing the musberger drinking game, knight’s cut like a knife verbal antics allow me to piss my pants with laughter while not thinking twice about it. this combo can’t be beat. just watch a game for the commentary alone, it’s a circus you can’t allow to come to town without purchasing a front row seat.

what do i look like? you'll never know!

8.) raycom sports guy - i’m sure i could pay more attention while i watch local ACC action, or even do a quick google search to pin point the name of my guy, but the “raycom sports guy” nickname is better. it kind of sounds like a super hero, or at least a mystery man lurking in the shadows. this fella like all the others does a good job with leading us through the game - plenty of knowledge, a good radio type voice, and a local guy with a slight southern sound is what gives him a solid edge in most match ups. every one loves a local sounding guy, cuz he provides the neighborhood coziness. raycom guy gets a strong bid for my tourney bracket, because he doesn’t garner much national media attention and glides under the radar. however, when ACC tourney time comes around i expect raycom sports guy to be on top of his game, as we all prepare for what is expected to be the most competitively played ACC tourney in years.

the macgyver of the sports world

9.) ‘big game gus’ - i shouldn’t need to say anything further, and if the name ‘gus’ doesn’t ring a bell then you’ve wasted your life to this point. gus johnson is the epitome of a sportscaster, and unfortunately for the public he only comes around as often as ole saint nick. it has always frustrated me that ‘big game’ only covers a few of the first round games of the march madness action. i never hear him cover anything during the regular season. CBS has him on lock down. but they are intelligent about this. by keeping gus behind closed doors all year, we are able to welcome him with bigger arms during the best time of the college season. it allows us to cherish gus like no other. most times we want to exploit something great, and in turn take it for granted. not gus, they keep him locked up like a caged animal then unleash him when we need him most. but if you don’t know about gus, here’s a brief look into a sportscasting icon. gus is well known for his boyish excitement. it can be a missed jumper 58 seconds into the game, or a half court shot at the buzzer to win the east regional, gus is still more excited than a pig in sh*t. this teaches our youth that you need to enjoy the journey, don’t save all positive emotion for only the best of times. stare in the face of adversity and cherish every moment. gus’ purely authentic enthusiasm, combined with the splash of laughter and smooth game play analysis make for a complete rollercoasting thrill ride of euphoria. especially for us buckeye fans (sorry xavier musketeers), but recall the oden year when osu came back from about 11 down with under 2 minutes to go, only to splash a deep three to send the game to OT where they’d eventually win and continue their run to the championship game. gus’ energy during that broadcast had me bouncing off of walls cackling like a heina. i’d love to catch a telecast of gus covering a meaningless ice curling competition (aren’t they all meaningless? dusting ice while a big ball looking brick thing shimmies along seems questionable). the point is, give gus a mic and let him do his thing. he’ll create a market for anything marketless. yes, the guy is that good.

so although big game gus looks like the front runner on paper for the 2008-2009 Sportscaster Championship, we all know that winners are crowned on the court. all of these guys can make some noise, it just depends on who catches the most fire coming into the dance.

i know i left some guys out, such as the obvious selections of jay bilas, dicky v and a local DC area legend hubert davis (analyst more so than an announcer) - but not everyone can make the field. so now that you’ve seen the guys who round out the field for my Sportscaster Bracket, sound off. do you agree or disagree with any of these selections? who got snubbed? let me know about some other voices you think should garner a tourney bid. the sports donkey nation needs to hear it!

since the super bowl committee wouldn’t give me press credentials, i wasn’t able to make the trip to tampa this past weekend. however, the weekend was excellent as this guy actually took part in three consecutive nights of social events. not since college have i thrown it down that hard. crazy how the body shuts down and gives up once the glory years are over. if someone knows how i could procure a few more glory years please let me know.

so although this donkey couldn’t enjoy a tampa weekend, he did enjoy it. listed below are a couple observational highlights in no particular order, donkey style.

1) John Cougar Mellencamp has a good thing going for him. yeah, he’s certainly put out some classics (which my friend jeff and his intoxicated cover band jammed out to during their past show on friday, complete with other hits and comedic intoxicated stage theatrics). but i’m talking about that guy’s name. i don’t know how he couldn’t decide which to use back in the day - using variations of john mellencamp, john cougar, john cougar mellencamp, cougar campjohnmellen. it should have been a complete no-brainer on what type of sequence to settle on.

he knows how to get after it

one other rule i would live my life by if given the opportunity, and a rule i try to pass on when given the chance is to advise others to NEVER EVER under any circumstance remove a cat name from your own name. in fact, celebrate it. if my middle name was puma you better believe i’d wear that with pride. in fact, i’d drop my first name and strictly go with puma bonchers (one letter was altered in the last name to provide a tad of anonymity to the donkey’s true identity). or better yet, i’d rock puma van bonchers. something about the way the dutch put “van” in front of any crappy last name can buff a piece of coal into an instant diamond. try it, put ‘van’ in front of some sloppy last name that’s been bothering you and now you’ve got something manageable.

not your grandpappy's pop - i wonder what happens when little timmy mistakenly drinks one of daddy's 'soda' canisters?

2) no matter how far you go, you can never outrun an Extenze commercial - even though the bar i was frequenting at the time was showing the same channels i watch at home, that point is irrelevant. i’m not sure what bothers me more - the fact that this company has such a high demand (since seemingly 90% of men across the world believe they have inadequate ‘parts’), or that when Extenze offers their one week trial that you receive like 15-20 pills? regardless of what you’re working with down below the equator, wouldn’t a warning bell go off inside your head that maybe inflating your part with 2-3 pills per day for the rest of your life be a bit much? maybe some unknown long term detrimental effect should keep you away? or just stay away because the whole idea is f*cking weird? and if that wasn’t a warning sign, when they offer two Extenze beverages that provide a liquid penile option that you’d THEN decide at that point to put the phone down from calling in the offer? 85 pills a week is one thing, but canisters? seriously? i can now walk around in public with penile growth in my hand?

this country really is screwed.

i at least put the phone down once i saw the canisters…i mean…i…was curious…..was not gonna order……umm..actually….for an experiment….  @%43j..nevermind…

cards fans- nothing spells 'ass dagger' like thousands of cactus pricklies

3) although rooting for the cardinals, i was just pleased we got to see another amazing super bowl finish in back to back seasons. however, if i was a cardinals fan and given the choice, in lieu of witnessing the tragic demise, i sure wouldn’t veto a chance to eat a 6-foot tall standing prickly cactus with out utensils instead. that outcome would certainly be better than stomaching such a heartbreaking super bowl loss in the final minute. no worries cardinal fans, you have 60 more years to think about this one too.

and as exhilarating and awesome as that 4th quarter was, it came crashing down once dan rooney opened up his old mouth. that family has done quite a few good things for the pittsburgh organization and the NFL in general, but some do-goodisms are actually retard-isms when you take a step back to look at things rationally. while holding the lombardi trophy, with the chance to deliver some great words of wisdom regarding this monumental 6th super bowl championship,  of all people rooney chose to thank the president first - never thanking god either. i don’t remember seeing obama’s name in my king james bible growing up. and call me a non-believer, but i really don’t think that obama guy has the capability of rising from a tomb one day to save everyone from their daily sins on earth. it’s now comical to the donkey how many people act like our newest president is a savior of monumental proportion. any president has my support, but let’s be realistic here. the man is a president - not a religion, not a spirituality, not a cult, not a celebrity, not invincible, not perfect.

let me ask you a question here. i know i have an intelligent reader base (i know it’s just 3 readers but forget that for a second) - but WHAT THE F*CK does a president EVER have to do with a team winning a sports trophy?!???!!!!! if your answer was “nothing”, then you are completely correct! ding ding ding ding ding, you win the prize of not being a dumb-ass stupid on this one. we all need to support our president like all good americans should do, but let’s not choose to fall into a state of retard-ism about it.

4) Drinking beers out of a redskins super bowl XVII championship mug are mighty tasty - they go down quite quickly too. i suggest you snag your oldest mug, rich with tradition or a time your team bathed in success and happiness. because if you’re like me you won’t get the chance to enjoy a championship when you are old enough to understand it. and the more i filled that mug with sweet corona and added to the never ending lime pile at the bottom of my bottomless mug, the more i filled that cup of solace as well. my skins didn’t stand a chance in super bowl XLIII, but somehow as each corona trickled it’s way down my belly filled with wings and other tasty tidbits, things felt right.

this guy knew how to pour DC a tasty beverage

‘09 is going to be a good year for this donkey, and one of his teams will take a trophy. not sure which trophy, and not sure which sport, but something has to give. because this donkey knows that president obama…oops, i mean savior obama..will bless the food and body of his newly local dc redskins - so they will have the powers to bathe in the blood of their 4th super bowl championship next season.

neato.

this thing is quite yellow

hopefully kurt has one more miracle tucked under his wing

which team will win this game? i’d like the sports fans to sound off and post comments as to their thoughts.

<————— this guy OR this guy ——————–>

this sports donkey has been m.i.a, carving up all sorts of things on the back end. but since there are some nfl football games upon us this weekend, and because it happens to be what we call the ‘playoffs’, it’s worthy of a quick blurb. but here are the sports donkey projections.

NFC title game: Philadelphia 24 - 20 Arizona
AFC title game: Baltimore 2 - 3 Pittsburgh

I have a hard time believing that we’ll more than likely see a super bowl featuring two birds, or a super bowl that features a keystone state spectacular. if the latter ends up being the case, then why did the rest of the country even tune in this year to watch football? it’s not fair PA, let someone else play. but at the same time, don’t let the ravens play. as long as art modell wanders this earth i will not take relief knowing that he could have the satisfaction of joy once again. i also have a hard time believing that a 9-7 team in a terrible division could represent the NFC in the superbowl. all those talks of how tough the NFC east was, and how solid the NFC south was, and we instead might send a pretty red cardinal into the lion’s den against one ferocious AFC north team. dammit. great job NFC, kudos to screwing this one up.

hey NFC - this is the best thing you could bring to the super bowl?

although my score projections up above are bull sh*t and took me 4 seconds to figure out, i am excited however to watch football - because i should be used to it by now that my teams don’t like playing in january. but even though i don’t like the baltimore modells, and by law i am not supposed to pull for pittsburgh, it’s setting itself up to be one hellacious battle. with pittsburgh winning both match ups by close margins this year, it’s tough to expect them to win that ever so tough “3rd time in one year”. but flacco hasn’t had to do much for that team all year. granted, he’s done a solid job for a rookie, but in this game he’ll have to make some more plays. and heaven forbid pittsburgh forces some early points or an early costly turnover, and we’ll get to see what flacco is made of - i love pulling for former college FCS guys, but as a country we always tend to hype guys up too much when they succeed, then hype them down too much when they lose. Flacco is on cloud nine for being a ‘game manager’. i know i could be a game manager if i had even half of an ed reed in my locker room. Flacco just needs to come down to earth a bit. but at the same time, i’d like to see him forced to go out and win a ball game.

no idea what to expect in the bird game. although i want to try hard to count the cardinals out, they just beat the crap out of my local panthers, and knocked off a solid falcons team previously. the eagles have certainly played inspired ball over the last 7 games, so this could be a good one. i’ll just have to pretend that the cardinals aren’t in this game and i can make more sense of the confusion.

best of luck to all teams, and to all fans. make sure to eat some tasty wings, and drink unnecessary gallons of booze - and pray to god that someone else from the NFC is allowed to represent the conference in the superbowl when this weekend is all said and done.

big winner hokie dinner, vt fans will always cherish this meal

acquiring free tickets to almost all home games, and watching him lead an unsuspecting team to the national championship game was quite a feast for this donkey back in the day and immediately brought me into the brotherhood of hokie nation. i didn’t have to drink blood or jump from chairs blindfolded. but it would be cool for people to drive around in white vans snagging, bagging, and beating the hell out of potential new fans to test their dedication. i’d pass with flying colors. gobble gobble.

i think we’d all agree that tim tebow is a great player and person, and most importantly has helped lead his florida team to a possible 2nd BCS title in 3 years. why am i bringing this up now may you ask? because apparently FOX thought it was a great idea to do the same - by accidentally placing his picture in lieu of a cincinnati player’s photo during the scrolling introduction of the bear cat offense at the onset of this game. and like FOX, i too want to show my fans that i can be random and completely retarded as well. maybe we shouldn’t be so hard on FOX and their uselessness for presenting the college game.

let’s back up - let’s think this one through for a second. perhaps tebow is that good. as a former heisman winner, he’s known for stellar play making and has a slight knack for pulling off the occasional trickery. and maybe he is pissed about not winning a consecutive heisman that he wanted to plug himself into an unsuspecting location - to begin campaigning a bit early for next year’s trophy by swaying a few swing votes. who knows. it’s either sneaky and great work by tebow, or sloppy and typical work by FOX.

i’ve figured it out, FOX sucks.

what a blacksburg orange looks like

if i ever had to handpick a college team to root for, it couldn’t have been a greater university than VT so i’m blessed that this fell into my lap. and here’s why: if you put together a list of “Top 10 college football things you need to do before you kill yourself someday from being too involved in sports” is to catch a Thursday night game in blacksburg. there’s no secret as to why 60,000 strong sound like 150,000 gobbling turkeys pissed off that thanksgiving is approaching - and there’s no secret why no one wants to play there. the hokies nation is proud as all hell, and they make sure everyone knows it. they make sure everyone knows that you can’t compete with their heart and character. i didn’t have to acquire a piece of paper from VT and hang it on the wall to understand this.

now gobbling up that first BCS game in quite an interesting season is one of the more gratifying wins a sports fan could endure.

this post game follow up is almost too tough for words - as a big time hokie fan, typing about the convincing 20-7 win over Big East champ Cincinnati should seem easy. i suppose being engulfed with so much positive emotion is one of those few good times you can be at a loss for words and truly welcome it. most times i’m at a loss of words is due to frustration, pain, agony, or complete anger - and usually if i open my mouth to talk, flames from hell have actually been known to set my house on fire. not this time, i’m completely at peace and ecstatic.

forcing 4 turnovers, keeping steady and uncomfortable pressure on cincy’s qb pike, and wreaking overall havoc with disguising coverage schemes aren’t something us hokie fans should be surprised about. i’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that the hokie nation has always hung its hat on bud foster’s lunch pail power defense. and although the offense hasn’t put up power numbers offensively this year in the scoring column, they have shown signs of moving the ball more than what a 112th ranked offense should be capable of providing. moving the ball with some regularity hasn’t been the issue, but the important part (some of us call them ‘points’) that has eluded the hokies is scoring. inside the 20 they seemed to bottle up as a team and coaching staff which caused the the same scoring frustrations week to week. they were masters of winning the close game, and leaning on the defense to win games. they are probably the only team in history that could win by a field goal but it be a barnyard butt whooping. in last night’s game the offense did what it needed to, playing pretty clean football - which allowed the defense to steal the usual show.

hey kid, this ain't your frail grade school scooby-doo lunch pail. this is how a man does work at the lunch table.

i’m not going to pound deep into the true meaning of this game or complete specifics, or why it means so much in so many different areas, as there are so many good things about this gigantor win in this year’s hokie season.

i will have a special guest writing a guest column, a reflection on the big win. it may be beamer, perhaps a bud foster, maybe even michael vick from the state pen or even his lil bro marcus, if anyone knows where the hell he is - and although there are 4 losses on the hokie record this season, many complainers about the current system, pouring tears about allowing teams outside of the top 10 into the BCS and how it was so unfair blah blah blah - whooooooooo cares! the system rewards power conference teams, from playing a tough division year in and year out. and even though the ACC didn’t really have that “elite” team to win the big one, 10 bowl teams is a great sign of parity and great weekly competition.

there are so many teams that underachieve, and we’ve all been there pulling for one of those teams. but rarely are there many teams that overachieve and provide an ultimate gift by season’s end. in this case, a big bowl of oranges in a well earned orange bowl trophy. that thing can hold a ton of orange julius servings (in case anyone was curious).

let’s quickly tally up why this win is so sweet with out breaking down the nitty gritty. with key injuries prior to the season, tailback brandon ore getting the boot, losing most of the defensive starters to the draft and graduation, pulling tyrod taylor out of his red shirt status after losing the opening game while relying on a batch of underclassmen starters with little to no college experience through out the season, this is a sweet and delicious character win - when florida or oklahoma hoists a BCS championship trophy, of course that’ll be the sweetest drink. but when you get an entire team to keep at it, while being thrown into the fire there is a greater sense of being proud. this greatness transcends the field, builds boys into men, multiplies the confidence, and shows us what extra hard work can do - and i personally have never been more proud to be a hokie fan than i am now. great job guys.

the meineke car care bowl did it right - matching up a local UNC team to force the tarheels to travel well amidst the college basketball beat down season they are unfurling, and to put WVU on the slate who tends to travel well regardless. those guys would travel to antarctica if a mountaineer was competing in igloo carving.

this game is a toss up, both teams have big time skill guys and have under achieved at different parts of the season. a win here would be well earned. not to mention, teddy bear bill stewart needs to win any bowl game this year after last years improbably fiesta thrashing of oklahoma using rich rodriguez’s guys. teddy bears are fun to hug when times are good, but it’s equally fun to rip off their cotton stuffed limbs when times are tough. ask bill stewart how much cotton he’s got left in there after this up and down WVU season.

fire me or keep me, just quit ripping off my ears

there is no in game blog for this one, just a quick recap of this thrilling match up. both teams moved the ball at will, and both defenses forced the occasional timely turnover. WVU looked like they’d pull away in the first half, but big play hakeem nicks and his two sweet catches (two of the best catches you’ll ever see) helped pepper the score board with points, as well as convert a crucial third down in the second half. and after UNC turned the tides in the fourth quarter, WVU forced a crucial turn over and eventually out muscled the tarheels when the final whistle sounded. UNC had its chances, and seemed to resort to the overly conservative fourth quarter approach. WVU never removed their foot from the pedal, and overcame their own blunders to win the best bowl game thus far, 31-30.

two main observations the sports donkey noticed in this game. the first, hakeem nicks is ridiculous. it’s one thing to put up statistics in college, and run a sexy 40 yard dash time, as way too many people turn into number whores. but the best players are simply that - they are the BEST at what counts. a guy like nicks will catch anything thrown near him, and when he’s bored he’ll even try to go through his legs and around his back just to let us know what he’s bringing to the table. most players can create separation in college, so having venus fly trap hands is critical and overlooked way too often when bringing guys to the NFL game. and what i like, which has become more prominent over the years is how powerful the skilled position guys have become. they carry a toughness that translates well to the pro game. no longer do receivers just try to run away from defenders, or tap dance around would be tacklers, but some offensive guys look for contact. hakeem nicks and beanie wells are my two favorites to watch. in some instances, i think they get confused and try to tackle the defender even though they are the ones running with the ball. powerful football. it was enticing to watch nicks throw defenders around, almost getting annoyed that guys even had the nerve to tackle him. how dare they.

the second observation to this game is that although the sports donkey is not a WVU fan, it’s always good to see guys like pat white who adore their schools go out on top. everyone knows that guy is a flat out athlete, but other than a bad interception, he threw the hell out of that football all day - and into great coverage on many occasions as well.

even though the ACC couldn’t squeak out this win, FSU should easily kick wisconsin back to their frozen tundra in the next game of today’s triple header. so that’ll bring some satisfaction back to the ACC.

congrats bill stewart, you snagged a win. no, even when scrambling the letters into a new word puzzle ‘meineke car care bowl’ will never spell ‘fiesta bowl repeat’ or ‘orange bowl win’, but stewart should feel good about the finish to a trying season. but don’t get too cozy stewart, those soft plush arms of yours can be sewn back onto your trampled teddy bear body only so many times. and for some reason, people like throwing old teddies into the gutter when the time comes. tick tock, tick tock.