saddle up for this one donkers. the sports donkey decided to add a weekly random post category into his sports mix - only view this if you can take everything with a grain of salt, and you aren’t a judging person. it is humorous to look back at life’s journey. we’ve all taken a non glorious path at times, so if we can lovingly look back then it makes us stronger and comfortable with how far we’ve come. i was never a recovering homeless cocaine/meth head, but i am proud of how far i’ve come mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. by tackling controversial material instead of just sweeping it under the rug it allows us to laugh stupidly in such a serious world.
anywho, this post may or may not really be associated with sports, but indirectly everything can be related to sports. since i’ve seen these dumb ‘nuggnuts’ advertisements during commercial breaks while watching football, then there you go, it’s sports related. also, mcdonald’s is our beloved sponsor of the olympic games, the greatest compilation of global sports and beautiful sportsmanship - so that’s a second sports connection.
the most perverted of people can turn anything into a sexual connotation, so i feel i need to break down the character of the sports donkey and the basis for this column so i can give this posting more credibility. i am a type of donkey who would rather pour boiling water onto my private parts than to receive a free lap dance from a hottie inside anything known as a ‘gentleman’s club’, regardless of whether or not i’m in a relationship - for those of you that immediately thought “dude, this guy is is gay” after reading the above, then i won’t even explain it, because the testosterone filling your meathead will never allow you to understand. for those of you who know where i’m coming from, then congrats, you get it and you’re working good mojo. i’m not claiming to be perfect, and i’ve made my mistakes along the way, but i know who i am at this stage in my life.
this guy knows what it's all about
anyway, it took me three tries to figure out how to spell ‘nuggnuts’ - how many ‘g’s or ‘t’s are supposed to go in there? how does it work? to make sure i had it correctly, i typed different variations into my web browser to try and check out the new mickey d’s web site designed specifically for this campaign - needless to say it was apparently brain surgery. the first two misspelled pages i visited were currently ‘parked web pages’, containing no real content. the sports donkey’s prediction is that the owners of these sites will sell these for decent coin, which will then be quickly converted into porn sites. that’s if the owners knew what was good for them. i’m not advocating porn, but typically when a big time company spends oodles of marketing dollars attempting to drive traffic to their web site, they do succeed in cultivating tons of web hits. savvy and classless internet people know this, and purchase similar web addresses with subtle misspellings so they can cash in on free advertising when people misspell the intended web address and wind up on their sites instead. for some reason, there must be some secret code that explicit web material must be the content of these sites - because more often than not, bing bam boom, you’ve got porn in your face.
i’ll admit it, i’ve glanced at my fair share of porno material back in the day - primarily once i was around the age of majority and was then legally allowed to procure elicit materials. it didn’t help that i entered college at the inception of internet piracy, a new brand of white collar crime that became an integral part in today’s society. using the ways of stealing people’s intellectual property with out recourse seemed like a dynamite idea - woohooo! seriously? by law when i purchase a CD, i can only make one backup copy for personal use? actually, i was thinking i’d rather burn 25 copies and give them to the entire 6th floor, who will then in turn rape their copies into multiple other copies as well. of course that Napster idea was pretty neat too, but do any readers out there that lived in eagle hall on the campus of JMU during the freshman year of ‘99 remember the kind fella that dubbed himself the ‘asian assassin’? i’d like to formally rename him to the asian sweetheart, thanking him for his gracious services rendered to the entire JMU population - he single handedly allowed us to stream countless porn videos, and download thousands of songs via the school network. poor guy, i wonder how he ever got any work done, his computer must have frozen up in order to filter bajillions of elicit killobytes per second to the college clientele. but in the end, this porn novelty wore off for me. (although, i’m sure there’s a sicko or two out there still enjoying the fruits of the asian assassin’s labor.) but it wore off like any other age restricted illegal item out there because the age restriction creates a fictitious sense of energy and excitement. when removed and reality sinks in, you get back to life status quo - and of course moral fiber eventually wins out.
and you can compare it to alcoholic drinking - although people still enjoy alcohol beyond the age of 21, there’s no doubt that much of the allure of drinking in high school and college before that age is because it is illegal. if it were legalized to a lower age, parties would still occur, and idiots would still be idiots because you can never take the idiot out of an idiot. but not only would people have to learn control at an earlier age, there would no longer be that allure of doing something risque. they’d simply drink because they wanted to drink and they’d have the ability to handle themselves with more control. however, distributing porno mags and allowing kids to drink beer probably won’t be part of the fairfax county curriculum anytime soon - that’s a tough platform to support.
back to the matter at hand, and the backbone for the column. there are two contstants i’ve learned in life, and i could care less what kind of moral fiber fills your bones - you’re right here with me on this one. and if you deny this, then you are the one we need to worry about. if you are a blamer, then blame it on the media and contaminating our brains over the course of time. if you are actually a responsible person, then blame it on yourself, for lack of mental self-control. because although we can not control our INITIAL thoughts, we of course can control how much life we breathe into our thoughts. i’m never a blamer of anyone other than myself, so naturally in this case i only blame myself - but that’s cool because i think the byproduct is f*ckin hilarious! the first constant in life is that farts are awesome. the second constant is that when simple variations of the word “nuts” are used, one can only place their mind in the gutter, even if just for a brief instant. it’s a given.
there are only two cases where the word ‘nut’ is mentally clean, and that is when used in a manner that fits in line with the thinking of “man, work is driving me nuts”, or “i’d like some peanuts” - when used in a slightly offhand variety, then it’s gutter time. and the reason farts and nuts will always remain hilarious is simply that they gain the most humor and popularity when placed in the most awkward and professional settings. by raising the stakes, they rise to the challenge and conquer all. that’s the sign of a true champion. a good fart is a champion, and a good ‘nut’ becomes a champion. american society loves winners that come in all shapes and sizes. naturally we love a good underdog story, and we erect monuments to celebrate them.
think about a good champion fart you’ve been fortunate enough to witness in your day (can you really witness something if you can’t see it? hmm..a little help here. anyway i suppose ‘experience’ is a better word placement until i hear back from webster’s when they review this posting.) the best boss fart i ever experienced was when my buddy david ripped a squeaker in the corner of literature 101, while our professor was reading aloud to the class. the mere act was worth dying for, but when everyone thought it was a desk squeaking that heightened our experience. and no one could understand why we’d randomly laugh uncontrollably every few minutes after that - but they didn’t know we were mentally replaying that sweet fart. now think about all those times you wanted to yell “that’s what she said!” at the top of your lungs, but then you realized that when you were placing a folder into a drawer, yelling that response to your boss after she mentioned “shove it in there” probably wasn’t a great business decision. that is if you were like me at the time and enjoyed receiving paychecks every 1st and 15th of the month.
gotta love a misshaped purple guy
take a second here and analyze the work your brain must do in order to arrive at a place where thinking a “that’s what she said” is a great thought - and compare it to an instance when “nuts” led you to an inappropriate mental place as well. you can’t really help it. you may not mention anything aloud, but you knew you went to that place in your brain and you weren’t steering the ship. there’s nothing wrong with that. we’re all terrible human beings. why else would god send his only son down here? because we sin, and we’re all amazing professionals getting paid for it. we continue getting paid through blessings that most of us take for granted as we overlook god’s grace. and he also knew we were screwed unless he conducted a couple miracles on our behalf. thanks big man!
alrighty, now that we’ve got a blueprint laid out, back to mcdonalds and their tasty nuggnuts. for those of you who have seen this commercial, at least admit this to yourself - when you heard or saw the phrase ‘nuggnuts’ your brain immediately dove into the gutter. now i don’t completely know what this ‘nuggnuts’ thing entails, because i’d rather remain ignorant about the whole scenario and make fun of it instead. but when seeing this commercial, i immediately shut off my eyes and ears as i’d prefer to giggle to myself like a school girl. but i’m guessing a nuggnut is someone that goes bonkers for nuggets. not sure that i’d want to nuggnut with anybody, or go around telling people i give nut nuggs all day, but apparently mcdonald’s thinks there is a market for this. i personally would suggest renaming the campaign to nuggbonkers to avoid confusion. i think it’s a bit cleaner and at least removes the threat of a good sexual innuendo taking flight.
i haven’t eaten a mickey d’s chicken nugget since i was about 11 years old - but i can still taste those things. i’m not a liar, so i’ll admit they were and probably still are very tasty. but think back to an unruly hangover, that left you jacked up till 8pm the next evening, throwing up portions of intestinal matter, while occasionally dry-heaving like a jackass. eeee aw! and even if it’s 5 years since that fateful night, every time you try to drink the beverage that caused you that day of hell your body immediately cringes. it remembers the taste, the smell, the misery, and immediately rejects the enjoyment of putting that beverage back into your body even if it does remember having good times with that beverage in your heyday. that’s what i would imagine i’d experience if i tried to eat a mcdonalds chicken nugget again in this lifetime. it never failed, at least one nugg per child hood 6-pack contained a rubbery bite, or had pieces of black matter in there. what the hell was that? that scarred my experience, and to this day i haven’t decided to venture back into my dark nugget past. now with this nuggetnutting campaing there’s no chance in blazing steamy hell i’ll ever try a chicken nugget again. and here’s why:
“hey jb, do you want to dip a nuggnut into some tasty sauce? actually, wedge a pair into your mouth after doing so and while your mouth is still full make sure to smile at the camera and tell everyone ‘i’m lovin’ it, bada bump ba-da’! but don’t worry if there is still some sauce on your lip, we just want to know that you love nuggnuts on your nose and that you are lovin’ the experience.”
hmm…something just doesn’t jive.
parents of children, be very careful out there. i may be overexaggerating this nuggetnutting campaign, but what if there is that offhand chance that i am not? so what if it turns out that i’m not wrong in being cautious about this sexually explicit over the top assessment of the nuggnut campaign? your loss, not mine. my kids won’t be screwed. i won’t be a walking zombie advertising their disgusting agenda. is it not ok to at least open up the door and take a peek inside? even as a good natured christian, if i knew satan, the devil himself was knocking on my door and wanted a cup of sugar, i’d at least be willing to open pandora’s box and let the fella in. i’m not going to bake him a pie or serve him a warm cup of joe, but i’d certainly entertain my wildest curiosities - at least to see if he really has horns, if he is indeed red, perhaps if he does wear fire as an outfit, etc.
so parents, perhaps there may be no harm to the development of your little baby children through mcdonalds. perhaps there is no harm in eating an innocent little nugget, and perhaps it will be cute to throw a nuggnut birthday party for your toddler someday. maybe you don’t mind if your kids get pictures taken and groped by a new oversized grown man of a hand puppet known as mr. mcnuggnuttalot. but chew on this: there’s no telling what that guy had to do to get into a club run by a giant flamboyant clown who resembles a stanley kubrick version of michael jackson and prince’s bastard kid. it’s bad enough when you have the ‘hamburgler’ teaching kids it’s ok to steal burgers from innocent little children, as gallons of tears pour from their little faces as you run away like a pansy kid. and there’s no way that big purple b*tch known as grimace doesn’t do some ill sh*t on the side. he’s too friendly, clean, and purple to be up to nothing.
not sure how this guy is still on payroll
multinational companies, and companies in general don’t give us enough credit. they think americans are stupid, and that they believe that they can either control how we think or bypass our mental capacity with their bogus jargon. they think they can send us subconscious messages day in and day out so we buy their product with out thought. all companies know the little phrase that “sex sells”. by teaching infants at an early the joys of a good nuggnut mickey d’s knows they can create a client for life. hey, maybe michael jackson hasn’t molested your kid yet, but if you want to give him a fair chance since he’s misunderstood then that’s your prerogative. but i wouldn’t let my kid play with nuggnuts, it’s just too dangerous. i’d let them go back to burning innocent multi-legged critters with a magnifying glass instead.
all i’m suggesting is to keep an open mind - or at least to make fun of this campaign with me because mcdonald’s is stupid. ray kroc, i respect the crap out of you for building an empire through mcdonald’s - as you are the savviest of real estate investors since the commercial property you own for each store adds up to a ridiculous gold mine, but your marketing department needs to go play with fire in a dry field.
so mcdonalds, the conclusion is that of course not only am i boycotting your new campaign, but i will never ever ever again frequent your establishment because of this latest outrage. i am so appalled!
no, i actually didn’t mean that. i’m sorry, please forgive me. it’s not you, it’s me. please allow me to continue to dominate that silly dollar menu double cheeseburger you are so good at serving me. that is hands down the best dollar menu item still doing its thing. i used to be able to promote wendy’s and her dollar menu agenda, but that stupid ginger kid has recently shrunk the sizes of her dollar menu offerings so they could continue to sell for a buck - no sirree, don’t shrink the size of the food i’ve come to relish for a dollar. never backstab a client by cutting back on the size of a food item - i shouldn’t need to tell them not to close their fists while holding a lit firecracker like this. come on now, if i need 4 quarts of soda beverage then give it to me at the same price i’m accustomed to - if a popcorn sized tub of fries gets any smaller then heaven knows how i’ll live through today. not mcdonalds, they know how to stretch that dollar, which in turn stretches the belly of each fat kid. keep serving jumbo sized items as your size small. keep werkin’ it like you do - i love how i can order a size medium and it’s enough to feed a barnyard animal for a week. the size of a standard meal keeps getting larger! god knows what your supersize actually is these days.
so in conclusion from all this, i have only one request from mcdonalds (other than continuing to serve the same portion double cheeseburger for a buck), and that is: supersize deeeeeeeeeeez nuggnuts biznitch!!